It’s in his hands.
Something I’ve struggled with so much this past year is to let go of someone who used to hold all my love. I’ve prayed, begged, for the strength and courage to let him go, if we aren’t meant to be together. I don’t understand the break up, but I do understand the love. If that even makes sense. I’m so incredibly grateful for the relationship itself and everything that I learned from it, that some times I just don’t know what to do with myself. Half the time I feel crazy and stupid for still being in love with him, and the other half I’m swimming in it wishing it could happen all over again. As Chip Carter said in Fixer Upper, “go with your heart, and then if you’re heart lies to you, go with your gut ’cause your gut never will lie.”
And as incredibly true as that quote is, it also scares the living day lights outta me. I still feel so much love (and pain) over my past relationship in both my heart and my gut. They both constantly yell at me who I’m supposed to be with, and it’s typically not the guy I’m flirting with at work or the guy yet another friend has set me up on a date with. I try, I force myself to listen and like other guys, but my heart and gut have double teamed up against my brain and bullying me into becoming way too lost over my love life a year after the break up.
In the past year, I’ve gone through every stage of a break up you can think of. I’ve loved him, I’ve hated him, I’ve missed him. The one thing I haven’t done is leave the entire mess of my heart to God. I’m so scared to just sitting around and waiting for someone who’s not going to come back. It’s not like I haven’t tried to take things into my own hands and move on. I’ve dated, I’ve been set up, I’ve even reinstalled Tinder (and then never used it) a couple times! But maybe that’s all the point, that’s not what I’m supposed to do, sort of. Maybe I should just sit here and let God do all the work and make some magic happen. Cherish the good, learn from the bad, and wait. God’s the man, he’s the one making my world go round – so why not let him decide if I should continue to feel lost in a love I no longer have, or let him decide when and where the next phase/person of my life should begin.
This way, while I’m consumed in reading four novels and the bible at a time for school, I don’t have to worry about whether or not x, y, or z is going to call me back, ask me to lunch, or run into each other at the gym again.
This way, I’m leaving not only my love life but my life to God. I’ve seen his hand in my life before: my bible study being the most recent. Now I’m leaving it to him and all his glory.
*quick update since I wrote this out late last week, I’ve been doing really well with just relishing in however my heart feels. If I miss him, I let myself miss him. If I’m sad, I let myself be sad. I’m just hoping that God finds a way to communicate with me what I’m supposed to do or if I should even do anything – Low and behold, Saturday night as I’m painting “In Omnia Paratus” onto my graduation cap because it was one of my favorite quotes from Gilmore Girls, I looked it up on Wiki to see what more it would say about the show, like if there was more to the meaning than just the beginning of Rory and Logan’s relationship. For the show, it means “ready for anything” which I knew and though would be perfect for closing the chapter of my college life. How-freaking-ever it also mentions that if you swap the “in omnia”part out with “Semper Paratus” it’s the motto of the US Coast Guard (where the guy this entire post is doing). Great, thanks God, continue to confuse me! 😂