After a year of putting off one gym interest, I’ve finally done it. I joined Crossfit. Well, I bought a five class groupon to give it a chance, but I loved it. I loved it more than I expected. I went in thinking I was going to die. I thought people were going to be super competitive and already strong and yelling and grunting and I’d get my ass handed to me. While there was a lot of grunting, I absolutely loved it. There was no competition, everyone was so nice and helpful. There was a variety in the class of who was how strong, there were beginners and advanced and everything in between.
The workout was brutal but…I felt a fire in me the entire time. All I wanted to get out of any first day was to impress myself, to do more than I thought capable of myself, to kick my nerves and self-doubt to the curb. And I did just that. The power snatch was a lot of fun; getting to break it down and learn exactly how to do it. I did notice that it’s actually like three different movements in one. I was able to ask questions, get advice on my form, etc. No yelling, no pushing me further than what I could take. And then later we did the brutal part of the workout.
8 reps of (assisted) pull-ups
4 box pushups
8 kettlebell swings
It was as many reps as you could for 20 minutes. It was brutal, gnarly, nauseating at some points, and blister breaking for some. But over all, it was so much fun!
Getting to push myself and see that I could keep going was beyond fun. I was able to do 10 sets in 20 minutes of this workout (honoring Petty Officer Nate Hardy, who was killed Sunday February 4th during combat operations in Iraq) which is double the amount of sets I was expecting from myself. I’ve realized I don’t give myself enough credit. I may be pretty damn sore right now, but I can’t wait for my next class!
I can’t really post a fitness/gym post with talking about body image. A lot of my gym insecurities have to do with other people’s judgement on body image. And I know that’s stupid. I know I shouldn’t care what other people think of me but for some reason when I’m at the gym, it does. It’s like my self-doubt kicks into over drive and just makes me think people are judging me for being this tiny-skinny girl attempting to lift weights. As if because I’m trying to gain weight is a bad thing. As if going against the socially constructed norm of wanting to loose weight is a bad thing, while somehow chasing the trend of gaining muscle mass.
But that’s all I’m really doing, chasing strength. I’m chasing a body image that doesn’t come naturally with a body that’s five foot and three-quarters of an inch and 93 pounds. Yes, I’m blessed with great genes, I don’t regret them nor take them for granted. But with my own self confidence issues, all I want is to be strong. I want to be in love with my own body. I’m just now realizing (literally as I’m typing this) that my fitness journey is a self love journey. While I can’t seem to come up with a way to not sound passive aggressive or condescending toward my own lack of self-esteem. I know it’s normal.
We all have our own body issues. Some of us have dealt with bullies, bad habits, and daddy issues that bring self-doubt upon us. I’ve been bullied over how skinny I am, while I’m not under weight for my height, girls in high school will bully you over anything they can get their hands on; I’ve had bad habits of not eating healthy, drinking too much in college, or smoking too much pot in high school; my own daddy issues of not feeling good enough. It’s there in all of us, but I think I’ve finally found a way to deal with it. I’ve found a fire in me that’s ready and willing to push my way through it all and over come it.
It started a year ago when I fell in love with yoga and lifting, but now that little fire is feeling bigger, brighter, and immediately grew warmer toward crossfit.